I Matter

I’ll be honest … my biggest struggle with blogging is that it is primarily about me. Which is unfortunate since I think it is more genuine to write about what you know. And what I know is me – my experiences, my reflections, my fears, my joys. I savor this from other writers. I love to read their stories, their mishaps, their wisdom, their life lessons. I’ve never read another person’s blog and thought, “geez… all they write about on their OWN PERSONAL BLOG is themselves. How selfish.”

Yet, it is a major hang-up for me.

When I sit down to share something in this space, all my energy is consumed by an internal battle:
>> write what you know // stop being selfish
>> tell your story // get over yourself
>> share what you’ve learned // everyone knows that already
>> spread some encouragement // who are you to think your words will matter

In all the mental and emotional wrestling, my words give up and leave me to find a more peaceful place to reside. And I’m left staring at the blinking cursor, the digital middle finger.

This year I learned why this is a major hang-up for me.

My word for 2018 is “awake”. My intent is to become more awake to who I am and what I want with this “one, wild and precious life” – thank you, Mary Oliver. I’ve been digging deeper into the Enneagram to help me understand … well, me. I can’t begin to cover all that is “the Enneagram” in this post. Feel free to Google it. But in short – it is a personality tool that helps people understand how they see and interact with the world. I’m a 9w1. If you don’t know the Enneagram it sounds like I’m a new tax form.

A “9” on the Enneagram is known as the Peaceful Mediator. (w1 means “wing 1”) We’re kind, patient, steady, accepting, relaxed, agreeable, content, comforting, and idealizing. Don’t we sound awesome?

We are also passive, resigned, stubborn, emotionally unavailable, complacent, unaware of our own anger, inattentive, and passive-aggressive.

I just want to keep it real, folks.

So, what does this have to do with my blogging hang up?

I’ve learned that nines struggle to believe they matter. I could never name it until it was named for me. And it is so true.

Before you read too much into that, I want to share this disclaimer: I have been and am so very much loved. The struggle with wanting to matter is not the result of not being loved or nurtured well. I had an idyllic upbringing and could not be more loved by my parents and family. I’m blessed with healthy and loving friendships and a career/job where I have tremendous support and receive regular affirmations.

It’s similar to when you tell a young girl how beautiful she is yet she doesn’t believe it. It doesn’t matter that literally everyone can see her beauty and can verify the truth of that statement. What matters is whether SHE believes it.

I must believe that I matter.
I must value my words as much as I value the words of others.
I must value my feelings and my stories as much as I value the feelings and stories of others.
I must trust my right to share those feelings and stories …. without feeling self-centered.
I must believe that you matter. Because you do.

But so do I.

There’s room for all of us around the table. I don’t have to always give up my chair in order to add one for you. Let’s all scooch a little closer and make room.

I’m still waking up to this. I have some very intentional work ahead of me.

But I’m worth it.

And so are you.

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4 thoughts on “I Matter

  1. The word in storytelling circles is that the more personal something is the more likely it is to be universal. So sharing our own stories is not entirely “about us” individually. It’s about all of us. It’s testimony and it’s shared experience. How often all of us have been blessed by another’s story and felt with deep relief “It’s not just me. I’m not on this read alone.”

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  2. Love your story! How awesome that you are willing to be so transparent. So many lessons for all of us to learn. Thanks for your help!

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    1. Thank you, Angela! I’ve found that freedom and healing only comes when things are brought into the light –for those who share and those who find themselves in what is shared. What a beautiful gift to find out you are not alone – that someone else can say, “me too!”. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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